Decisions, Decisions

Why is it so hard for me to make a simple decision?  Why do I always have to look at everything, try out every style, every color, every design?  I cannot even recall what time it was when I got started on designing the background, etc., for my blog page. (yes, designing, though I know it doesn't really look "designed"!)  I had to try practically every one of the designs, and all of the colors, and most of the fonts, then the size of the font.  I just couldn't decide... which color looked best, what style I wanted, then should I choose the sea, the sky, some trees, or the ocean?  Why don't they just give us a hand full of options?  Then it wouldn't take so long to make a decision.  And AFTER all of the time I spent... ok, look around ... and yes ..... THIS  is what I ended up with... composition notebook paper! Reeeeeally?  Yes, really.  I drive my own self crazy when I am out shopping too.  If anyone else is with me well, I usually drive them crazy as well.  Don't even get me started on going to the grocery store.  Oh no.  I haven't the time tonight .... besides I am about to fall over asleep.  Good night y'all.  Tomorrow's another day... but if I have to make any decisions, it will still be the same.  Guess it is one of the quirky things about me. 

UNSHELVED WORDS: From Sixteen to Sixty

UNSHELVED WORDS: From Sixteen to Sixty

A blank page...

It says NEW BLOG.... I click that button... a new page comes up... a blank page.  It is here.  Now.  Waiting for my fingers to start to click.  The keys on the keyboard.  Words rush through my mind... they come through my finger tips, putting words on this "paper"... this screen.  Words that come only from my mind!  MY mind. wow. Mind you, others have had similar thoughts, and sometimes I might think the very same thing that I see others have written... but when this BLANK PAGE appears, and the keys start to click, the words are only mine... MINE.... that come out... and make this blank page fill with WORDS... MY WORDS.  Amazing.  It is to me, anyway.... because my mind I've always felt was not "all that"... for lack of a better way to put it... I've never thought of myself as very smart, intelligent-wise, but I realize I'm not a dummy, either.  BUT STILL... when I see these words start to appear upon this page, I am amazed anew each time, a blank page appears.  Because I know that I can think!  And I can type, or write... whichever the case may be (but preferably type of late, it is so much easier and less painful on my old joints).  But my words come through my fingers, and appear upon a page, for me to read, and whomever else sees them and chooses to.  It is a real gift, one I've always taken for granted, or not thought alot about anyway... I figure everybody can write, but some folks tell me "nooo I cannot., not me".  They just don't realize that they can.  But there are those of us, who just HAVE to write, whether we think we can or not.  We just do.  Oh yes, there are "dry spells" when we seem to be unable to put word-one on said blank page. But I think we really only think of them as such. I am thinking right this minute, that "gee wish now I had written more over these past years, what was I waiting for?:  Well, there were a few years that I did have two daughters to help raise, and lawd there are alot of things that go into raising children, no matter which gender they are.  It takes a big part of your TIME, and you think... I do not have the luxury to sit and write.  So I didn't... many times.  Once in awhile, for a few years, or so, I would wake in the early, early morning, get my coffee, pen, and paper (of many various kinds, or journals, notepad, whatever...they are everywhere.  Thus, a REAL PLUS to have said laptop and a BLOGSPOT to come to now!)... okay, where was I?  Oh yes, I would take my coffee and "writing tools" and head out to the deck out back where I could listen to the birds as they would awaken, in the still quietness of the morning, when I was hoping most everyone else was still asleep... and alot were, maybe some up and getting ready for their day.... but many times on the week-end I had a good bit of QUIET TIME out there.... it was lovely.... The sky would turn from gray gradually to a shade of  blue, then the sun would start to come up and the dew would start to dry out... and the birdies would sing a little louder, or more of them would wake up and get going, and I would write as I sipped my coffee, and enjoyed that time of day, alone, only with my thoughts, and my coffee and my pen and paper, and the birds and the trees... Not that I ever thought that the words I would write would be earth-shaking or life-changing... sometimes I would kind of be "guarded" because I would think, I don't want anyone to ever read this, and think I was crazy, or off-my-rocker, or possibly "over the edge", as some of the stuff my early writing might sound like I was... but gee I really didn't want anyone to read those words. But I continued to put pen to paper and the words came out.  The ones I never wanted anyone to read maybe got trashed, or something.  Some may still be hanging around in some dark dusty box somewhere, and if anyone finds them, and don't really like what I wrote, they can choose not to read it, and can think anything of me that they want... I most likely will not be there to care anymore anyway.  If it were someone reading them, who loved me, I would hope they would sift those words with care, and know that they were just words, my words, and move along.  Maybe toss them in the trash, then if they will. Not to worry, not there no mo' so it's all good.  But then if they read something they liked, and/or wanted to keep all the better.  The words are there, the words are here... saying just what is coming through my mind, out my fingers, onto these keys... typing letters one by one, making words, my words, my thoughts... onto a blank page.  Wow.  

What I see in the Mirror

When I look into the mirror, Lord

this is what I see... 

not the me that You made me, Lord, 

I only see just me.

A Me, I hardly recognize,

for this reason, or another, 

I feel I'm someone different Lord,

someone kinda like my mother.

The bags, beneath my eyelids, Lord,

those circles, dark and swelled,

are just reminders to me Lord, 

that I'm not doing quite so well. 

That girl, this woman, I see there Lord, 

I barely recognize,

Though, as she never grew taller Lord,

she has sure grown 
from side to side.

With hair that's sparse, 

and thinning skin,  

please help her now to realize, Lord
 SHE does still reside within. ....

A different version, 
of herself, dear Lord,
who's older 
by many years, 
a little wiser, yes
she hopes so Lord,  
though, she's still trying
to overcome some fears.   

Thoughts to ponder....

>  How can you help someone who will not even help themselves?

>  How do you know you cannot do something if you haven't even tried?

>  How can you have an "open mind", if you are continually thinking negatively?

>  Why do you think that YOU cannot make a difference... by just doing one NICE thing randomly each day?

>  How can you look outside, and NOT KNOW the GLORY of GOD?  HE is everywhere!

>  Why do you not think that you are important, if you think that everyone else is?

>  How on Earth can you NOT chase a Rainbow?  ....  :/

>  Why is it that we have to wait 'til we are OLDER to realize so many things that we wish we had known "then"?  

>  How do we even think that WE can help someone else if they cannot help themselves? 

> How can it be that "we have a friend that feels closer than a brother"?  Isn't "blood thicker than water"?  

>  How can relatives FIGHT over money, when they have just lost a loved one?

>  Why don't we give ourselves the same kindnesses that we show others with?  

>  Why do the little things that bothered me once, not mean an ounce of difference to me today?

>  Why is it that it is the "LITTLE THINGS" (different kind of  little things than mentioned above) that mean the most?   

>  Why do we feel that we wanna go back, but not make the same mistakes again?  

>  Do we not realize that our Lives would be totally changed, if we did the above? 

>  Why does it feel that Time has passed soooo quickly, while on the other hand, it wasn't really that long ago?

>  Why is it that some people do not even open their blinds every day, and let the SUN SHINE IN?  

>  How can I not realize that THIS LIST could go on forever?  

..... to be continued..... 

"PURE-T STRESS"

I've been sick for two days.  Sick in the bed, sick.  Though no fevers, no coughs, or colds, or anything like that.  Just pure-T "STRESS".   It made me weak, it made me anxious, it made my skin feel like it was crawly, I didn't feel much like eating.  I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't talk really well, without stammering and just unable to get out the words at times. I felt really nervous.  It made me not want to get dressed, or take a shower, or do much of anything at all.  I drank my coffee, not much could make not want to do that.  But even though I had my amount of caffeine I felt like my mind was foggy, I couldn't keep focused. I kinda felt like I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry, but couldn't.  I felt like my chest was tight, and it was hard to breathe.  I just felt almost sick to my stomach, but not really queasy.  I just totally felt very uneasy.  I've been having some mild dizziness, but for two days that even seemed to be worse.  I could have cared less if did anything for those two days.  They were wasted.  But yet they weren't.  I had to get rejuvenated, I had to restock, regroup, what ever ya wanna call it.  I had to seriously do some thinking.... what has caused this, what can I do about it, and how should I handle it.  Sick, yes, I felt sick, though maybe not in the usual way.  But sick, nevertheless.  ILL. Outta-body weirdness, hearing things around me, but not really listening at all. Sitting and staring at the wall, or out into the marsh, or up at the sky.  Why?  Well, I say it was STRESS.  You say, Stress?  How on earth can that make ya feel those things?  Well wouldn't we all like to know.   I do know this...that everything we do, everything we experience, every interaction we have with our loved ones, our friends, and others..... affects us in many ways.  Of course most things affect our physical being, in one way or another, and that is usually visible. But do we really stop and think about how everything affects our nervous system?   Naaah... not really.   But why wouldn't it?  Our nervous system is a large portion of what makes up our bodies, and is a very, very important part of our make-up, although it can't be seen as the physical body can.  So therefore it makes it hard to see those things that cause us STRESS as affecting our nerves, but it all does affect all parts of our bodies. Our minds are very complex. Our hearts are tough, but they are tender as well.  STRESS can make us feel like hell.  

So where does STRESS come from?  I didn't Google it to see.. but maybe I will, later.... however, I am finding out it can come from many avenues,  anything... maybe a person, a place, or a thing, depending on the time or circumstance.  We don't really think about STRESS, because we are just going through Life, day by day, moment my moment, never stopping to think much about it.  'Til one day.... bam... you are down for the count.  You are out light a light.  You are good for nothing.  You are worn out, you are frazzled, you are torn and totally mixed up about why you are feeling this way.... No coughs, no sneezing, or wheezing... or fevers... (for me anyway) you just know you are not well......maybe you are feeling STRESSED.  Just as being sick in any other way, you have to take care of yourself, when sick with STRESS.  It feels a little weird, I must say, to just be in bed, (pretty much all day, or two...) because you don't feel like the kind of sick you would normally be to stay in bed, but you don't feel up to doing anything else.  Weak as water, not able to concentrate.  It is awful, it is insane that your nervous system could wreak so much havoc in this way that would just put you down.  But it can, and it did.  I am still having a tough time, wondering how to deal with it, how to help myself now get over this STRESS.  STRESS can also sometime be the precursor to Heart Attacks, as it was in the case of my sister's. Her doctor said it was.  I do not want to have a Heart Attack, oh no, I do not. (I am predisposed already from having them "in the family", but I need not add to that, to make my chances greater.)  

No one really thinks about hey.... I am getting STRESSED, not generally. It usually just kinda creeps up on ya, after being exposed to certain stimuli, over time and again......And you feel like Crap... you don't wanna get outta bed, you cannot think clearly, you want to cry but you can't.  STRESS is not our friend, in normal ways. (we all know there are times when a little stress is needed .... that is a different kind of stress, and not applicable here.)

Where does it, the bad-kind of STRESS come from and ..... I don't even think I can begin to talk about what causes that STRESS. Sometimes we do not know, we don't recognize anything different. Then other times, when we stop and think.... ahhhhh... yeah.... that was/is pretty stressful... maybe I need to rethink what I'm doing that may be causing this.  Many times it can start to grow from the circumstances of another, you take on their burdens, because you are concerned, you sometimes worry, and you care, and you share, then BOOM... it feels like their problems are yours, or you sympathize so much with a friend or loved one, and you feel their STRESS 'til it winds up on your back, in your heart, in your mind! Oh yeah.  This is where I'm at.  I cannot deal with that kind of STRESS any longer.  I have to back away.  I have to regain my inner peace somehow. I cannot live with this kind of STRESS, not and function to the best of my ability.  
Ok...  well, I am very sleepy.  I need to rest, and DE-STRESS.   Good night.  <3 ~me

Suthern Chics Nite Out.......

Hey there my gurls, 

you

Sweet Suthern Chics... 
y'all listen up,
my gurls
y'all heah?  

I don't even know what day it is...
don't know which a'way is up, 
or is it 
upside down? 
All I do know
gurls, 
y'all gotta help me gurls....  
we gotta turn my frown around!                                                                 

Some of us were Suthern Bound, the 

rest of us... we were Suthern Bred,

all I knows right now, is gurls...

we're a'headin' straight ahead...

maybe downtown gurls?  .. 

or elsewhere gurls...

 where'd

y'all like to go instead? 

Ok, now gurls

 what do you think ...

Should we rev up the

 Pink Cadillac..

 or

maybe the convertible, gurls, 

y'all know, that RED one... 

the one that sits

out back!

  

Whoa now... wait 

a minute y'all... 

I've got to 
Fix My 

Face...

calm down, gurls... 
wait up, 

we are fixing to, 

jes' hold on gurls... 
purdy soon we'll be a'leavin' this place.

Well, lawdy be, and la-de-da... 

Whooo hooo, and yahoo too...

This is what we Suthern gurls do,

 y'all know... 

when we's  a'feelin' blue.

Soooo.... let's put that top down, 
and  

tie your scarf right on, 

ya head.... 

if y'all don't wanna 

your coif's a'blowin'...

  betta

listen to me, I said... 

there'll be'a wind, 
sho' nuff, 

I know...
just up 

that road ahead!

Come on now gurls......

 let's go, 
you chics,  

 and Suthern gals,

 yes,

 each and all of you....

I said.... Come on y'all...

  Honey chil', and Darlin' heart, 
  come on gurls,
    now you two...

    but say 
      hey y'all.....
   have yas
     seen our friend,
       Miss Bobbie Sue?

At last, we Suthern chics, 

each one of us, and all...
oh yeah,
we are'a come'n boys... 

we gurls are a'headin' out,   

oh yeah, and oh yeah boy... 
yoooo hoooo ..... 

but wait.... 

oooohhhh noooo 

 hold up ..... 
  hold on ....
  back up...
     did we leave sweet 

       Betty Lou?