Goodness... I came to this blog tonight... the first time, in HOW LONG? Gosh has it really been 3 years.? Why do I doubt myself so much? I always loved to write, but yet I don't do it much anymore. I love to paint, and I still do but yet it is not regularly, and when I do it is with alot of hesitation and doubt and struggling about what I want it to look like, and will I make a mistake and why can't it be perfect? .... This is the story of my life it seems, that I strive for perfection, in a very unperfect (hmmm. not a word???) world. BUT yet... I don't look as if I strive for perfection... I am very unperfect... or is it imperfect?.... I like unperfect better, I think. I feel that I always look a bit dishelveled and not put together. I go out and see other women, and I want to look like them... if it is the gal with the faded jeans, and white blouse, yes, I like rather that style I would guess, or jeans and a nice tee, perhaps. Maybe my white capris with a bright colored top and sandles to match. Noooo. That doesn't look good either. I want to be that woman who is classic, the gold jewelry, the sweater slung over her shoulders. Naaah. Not me. But she looks very chic, and so put together. Why can't I be her? Oh wait, that gal that is coming in with her flip flops on and shorts and a tank... very casual, her hair pulled loosely back, with very little makeup on... no way, I couldn't go out like that. But I like that look. Oh gosh, DO I LOOK like Thhaaat? Really? Or why can't I look like HER? Oh I look in the mirror and wonder and stress, and ponder, until I have myself worked up into a tizzy, and full-fledged anxiety attack sometimes. This is me. My ways of looking at me. I want to look like her, no her, no her... or maybe HER! Why can't I be satisfied with just ME??? I wonder. I have wondered all of my Life. Oh yes. I have. it has driven me crazy.... still does. So it goes with all areas of my life... like WHY HAVEN'T I WRITTEN HERE IN MY BLOG IN THREE YEARS??? WHY haven't I done this, or that, or why do I waste so much time, why don't I volunteer, or do something important, why do I feel like my Life has no purpose. I have two beautiful daughters, and I know they love me, and would be devastated if anything happened to me. Wouldn't they? And now I have 3 wonderful, fun, and sweet and beautiful GRANDchildren... they call them that because they are OH SO GRAND, indeed! I have a husband that I wonder sometimes if he cares if I am here or not.. geez sometimes it sure seems like not. so. much. But I care not to go into that now or here. Maybe another time. Anyway.... I just cannot seem to be happy with ME, or where I am, or what I do. I have felt this way pretty much my whole life, and look how old I am now, will I continue to feel this way, I wonder til the day I die? I have always said that I didn't want to live my life with REGRETS, but yet I feel that I will. And THAT makes me very SAD! :( Okay, well, I have seen that this blogging thing does seem to be easy, if I would just do it, maybe more often, it would help me in other ways of my Life. Hmmm. Maybe? At least I can write down these crazy thoughts and come back and read them, and see where I was at in my journey, and when. I will try and do that. I will try and paint more. I will try NOT to be so very critical of myself... now that is going to take SOME kinda work. But. I. will. try. ok. I will. And I will TRY and NOT BE soooo down on myself. No one else seems to be, so why am I so much? Why can't I just be carefree and live my life and enjoy my being, and not always want to be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else.... is that it? BUT YET... I know that if I were.... nooo.... I wouldn't be happy there or then either. THIS is the LIFE I HAVE..... I have got to accept that... dang if I don't now then when will I? AFTER ALL I will be 64 this year, and my time clock is tick-tocking away... day after day... and yet I waste so much of the minutes, that pass into hours, that turn into days, that go into weeks, that turn into months, that makes the YEARS GO BY! Okay, so now I have written these thoughts down here in my BLOG. Does it make me feel better? I'm not real sure. BUT I know that I DID IT! I got these feelings out, and into words. Maybe no one else will read them... maybe they will. Perhaps they will help me... if not, maybe someone else... perhaps maybe even the both or us, or more. Seeeee.... I can dawdle, I can carry it all out, I get carried away... so I just need to STOP. Now. And listen to what I am saying to myself. Listen to my heart. Start to live more. Stop being so critical, and try to love myself a little bit more. Maybe then I would be more productive, maybe feel I have more purpose, feel more adequate, and worthy of the love that I know I have through my family and friends. Gosh, who knew I had all of these feelings pent all up inside that just flowed out through my finger tips??? I did. Yes. I. Did. I guess I jsut needed to say them out loud, by typing them out. Whew. I said alot in just a few minutes. I am tired. I am going to go to bed now... well SOON.
Goodnight. I love you me! I love you ME! I love YOU ME! If I say it enough I might start to believe it. Goodnight again. For real. this. time.
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